So it has been a hot minute since I have written a blog entry. Next week Monday is my 27th birthday ON Monday MAY 11 : ) Yay! Taurus Love! I am so excited to turn another year older. My husband and I are currently doing #PSPFIT created by CeCe Olisa. I have lost 15 pounds so far. You can visit her fantastic blog Plus Size Princess by clicking here.
#PSPFIT is a lifestyle change program created for women with curves. My cousin in law came up and helped me set of my FitBit, which has been awesome counting all of my steps in the day. if you all have a FitBit add me! I love the healthy competition.
Everybody has been asking me what I want for my birthday….HA! Usually I ask for like socks or something or a gift card to like a brunch spot with bottomless mimosas. This year I have a list.
Sports Bras (the double bra life is the worst)
A Bigger Swim Cap (my head is the size of 7 mangos)
African Dance Classes (Click Here) – Tuesdays @ 8pm : )
I wanted to share a small excerpt from my One-Woman show Body/Courage. A lot of you have been asking to hear my story. Well, here is a sample:
Elephant in The Room
Ever since I can remember…as soon as the New Year begins…I plan out how much weight I can lose for my birthday. Like dead serious! I will count weeks and pounds, like some sort of Mathematician, knowing I failed math in college- Sorry Mom!
I will always TRY to lose some insane amount of weight for my birthday. But like most people, as soon as January 14th hits the corner I am back on the couch eating an entire bag of Skinny Pop with a bottle of wine watching Scandal re-runs. I gain the weight and then become so unhappy and sometimes even depressed. I don’t know why I do this…but I think it has something to do with my Sixteenth Birthday.
When I was 15 years old I lost over 60 pounds for my Sweet 16. I was 148 pounds and still looked in the mirror and thought I was as big as an elephant. I remember staring in the mirror, basically bones and ribs, and trying to pinch my stomach fat. I was so proud of the weight that I lost and I wanted everyone to be excited for me, especially my father.
My dad was supposed to come up from Texas to be at the celebration. The day of my final weigh-in he told me he could not make it to my birthday party. I was absolutely devastated. I had lost all of this weight for this moment. I hadn’t seen him in over a year and I just collapsed. I stepped on the scale in absolute disarray. 148 pounds the scale read. None of my accomplishments mattered in that moment. I remember the nutritionist asking me if I wanted to begin “The Maintenance Plan” to continue to keep the weight off and I refused. I was so unhappy and wanted to lose more weight. Maybe if I lost more weight: boys would want me, or my life would be better, or my dad would come around more, or I could wear smaller Baby Phat Jeans.
Two weeks after my Sweet Sixteen, my father passed away from having a heart attack. The depression that set into my life from that point was like an oversized Burlington Coat Factory Down Jacket. Ever present. Never leaving. There are moments in my life now, where out of the blue, I will still feel that ominous presence of depression.
11 years later, I have gained over 100 pounds and am constantly fighting with my weight. I started Body/Courage so that I could find the true definition of the word beauty through the voices of other people. I work so hard to make others feel better about themselves, but the reality is I have not practiced what I preach.
It’s so funny, because when people come stay at our house in NJ, I try to hide all of my high school pictures. Embarrassed that people will see me now as an ogre or some overbearing fantastical creature. People always, without fail, look at the photos and then look at me and say: WOW! It is as if they are witnessing an elephant in the room. Exploring my overgrown tusks and trunk. Examining how large I have actually become and displaying an unfortunate look of disapproval on their furrowed brows.
It has taken 11 years for me to put those feelings about my Dad to rest. I have to admit it this has been the biggest weight to carry in my life. May has always been a hard month: Mother’s Day, My Birthday, My Mom’s Birthday and the month my father passed on. I have decided that for my 27th birthday I am releasing those feelings of grief. I am letting go of the thing that has held me back from truly living my best life. I do not want to look back and realize that I missed opportunities based on a fear of how I looked. I need to work with what I got, be kind to myself, and love the areas in my life that don’t shine. I need to appreciate all of me, rather than the best parts…if that makes any sense.
What has been holding you back? Share your thoughts.