This week has been a week filled with many highs and a lot of lows.
It is 2:58am here in Chicago. I woke up out of my bed in tears and panic. I talked to my husband, who is currently away at work overseas, and I tried not to start bawling on the phone, because I didn’t want to look like a punk.
But, y’all I am scared.
Trying to plan this tour is absolutely frightening. I have never in my life tried to do something at this level. The tour planning is ambitious and crazy and amazing all at once. There are a lot of people rooting for me and a lot of people laughing at me who think this “dream” I have will never come to life.
I need help figuring out sponsorship opportunities for this show to raise thousands of dollars to get this show on its feet for next year. I need a producer. When you spend months hearing no, after no, after no- it gets to you. It gets in your muscle memory and then you walk around expecting the worst. When people tell me in meetings they do not want to fund my project, because I am not a “name.” When they tell me my project does not fit with their season. When they tell me the show is phenomenal, but they don’t want to take a chance. Blow after blow I lose my confidence. I lose a piece of my heart.
It is especially tough, because, I need funds to make all of this happen and of course- as an artist- I have none. My bank account is extraordinarily low…and my life decisions have been based on whether I am going to go grocery shopping to have food to eat or buy a bus pass/gas to transport myself to work. I have two part time jobs and went into two temp agencies this week to find work. My part time jobs are need base and I usually get the checks a month later. So I am living and surviving off hopes and dreams. I have gotten a lot of mileage with a bag of potatoes; thank God I am married to someone half Irish!
I used to have a friend that would say “in the Grand Scheme of things none of this will matter.” But, I am no where near the grand scheme, I am in the wilderness. I am scared. I have no clue what is going to happen. I know at the end of the month I will need money for: rent; website; promotional videos; headshots; and so much more. All of these fears woke me out of my sleep tonight.
My husband tonight reminded me of everything that I have ever been worried about and how all my needs have been met somehow through grace. He told me to read Psalm 121. I am writing this entry to anyone who may be afraid. I am writing this entry for anyone who is doing something out of their comfort zone. I am writing this entry for the people with zero hope left and for the people with just a muster-seed’s worth. This too shall pass. There will be a day when it all gets better. A day when money doesn’t freak us out. A day when we can live our dreams to the fullest extent. A day when someone will believe in us to give us a chance to do what we do best. Tonight I have created something called a “FEAR JOURNAL.”
Anything that freaks me out, I will write it in the journal and let it out of my spirit. All of our needs will be met we just have to tough it out. Put those fears to work in something more creative. Help someone in need today. Love on someone a little harder. Give your child a smooch and tell your parents you love them.
Fear is fear.
The world keeps turning.
Let it out of your system, breathe, and move on. Don’t let it take you over.
BODY/COURAGE is a great show and I am just waiting patiently on that one big chance to show my stuff.
When that moment does come around…fear will not be attending the celebration!
Actor | Playwright
p.s. jack you are my heart